A First for Everything

Yesterday (Friday) I made the 2 hour drive from my home to my dad and his fiance’s house. Being the second night here without a blog post was driving me crazy so I had to steal away the laptop and post a few things. Friday afternoon I all of a sudden decided to come out to my dad’s girlfriend, Julia. I think I blacked out once I croaked it out into the atmosphere. She took it incredibly well, and we talked it through for a few hours. I explained to her what I’ll eventually explain to you all. I feel infinitely blessed to have her in my life for these past couple of years. She has now become the first ‘family member’ I have come out to as bisexual.

The rest of the night was unusually uneventful. My dad loves to have all of the control of the remote, so we watched MMA fighting for a couple hours. I will openly admit that until last night I had never watched MMA fighting. Coming from my point of view, though, it seemed pretty gay (for a show targeting mainly straight men). Just think about it: two shirtless men fighting each other for a beautifully gawky belt. Not only that, but another guy rubs vaseline on them beforehand. Come on, they can’t all be straight, right?

We also watched “We’re the Millers” because I’d never seen it before. It was actually pretty funny, unlike the Rodney Carrington comedic stylings which we watched shortly after. I like watching and listening to many diverse comedians, but I don’t quite enjoy the country ones so much.

Skipping forward to Saturday, I fell asleep around 4am again, watching one of my favorite John Mulaney comedy skits. Yet again I didn’t wake up until after 12. Actually, none of us woke up until almost 1. Immediately after we all awoke, my dad changed the channel to HGTV. I swear he lives off of home improvement and history channels. Anyways we watched a 4 hour (or at least it felt that way) marathon of “Flea Market Flip”. Much to my surprise I liked it, and got really inspired. I’m planning on redoing a dresser that was gifted to me a few years ago. It’s quite old, but it’s in better shape than many 30+ year old dressers. I’m a Marvel comics fan, and since the franchise is so popular, I decided to decorate it as so. I’m going to decoupage comic book clippings onto the top of the dresser and on the front of three of the six drawers (catty-corner. Is that an actual word? I can never be sure.). I’m going to paint the rest of the dresser white including the other drawers. Instead of decoupaging the front of the other three drawers, I’m going to make a collage onto the sides of of the drawer (that is, when the drawers are opened). Being that my grandpa was a carpenter, I have a knack for it in my blood. I’ll keep you guys updated on the dresser and try to post pictures of it as I go through the process.

When HGTV became monotonous, I began drawing my first set of realistic hands into my sketchbook. I’ll post a picture of them if it’s requested. I’ll be posting my reading progress/process of “Great Expectations” tomorrow. I’m beginning to thoroughly enjoy reading it. I can’t wait to talk to you all again.

A Brief Backstory

First of all, let me give a HUGE thank you to the people who have liked or commented on my last post. You have no idea how good it makes me feel to have someone reading these. The amount of support that you all have shown me in only the past 24 hours has given me hope and brightened my week. In honor of the first five blog posts I’ve done, I’m going to be completely real and honest here. No censorship or lies on this blog. I’ll be telling you guys the whole truth, and hopefully you’ll stick along for the ride and learn some things about me.

In the theme of getting to know one another, I’m going to re-introduce myself. As in, give you my backstory, interests… just consider this an About Me page (is that a page I can already write in on wordpress? I’m trying to get the hang of this). I grew up (well, am growing up) in a strict conservative household that went to church every Sunday morning, and shamed anything out of social norms. Eventually my mom stopped going to church for reasons unknown to me, so I started going with my grandmother. These two women brought me up in my childhood home until I was 14. We weren’t poor, but we certainly weren’t well to do. We always had what was needed. I love my grandmother more than anyone on this earth. She’s like a mother to me, and even took that job while my own mother was working. My mom and dad split up right before my 5th birthday, and never were married. The real kicker is that my dad’s parents were (are) Holiness Pentecostal churchgoers, and just about shunned him once they found out I was being born. To be honest, my dad and I are like the black sheep of the family reunions because of it (and because neither of us go to church anywhere). My dad and I haven’t always had the best relationship throughout the years, but we’ve grown much closer over the past 3 years. I’ve been spending more time with him, and I don’t feel like a burden to him anymore.

During middle school my mom started dating my now stepdad. I can’t say I ever liked him after the first few visits. I wanted my mom to be happy, though, so I kept quiet. I can easily say the past 5 years have been hell for me. I won’t get too much into their relationship because it gets my blood boiling, but I’m sure I’ll have many stories about him that I’ll vent about in this blog.

I’m skipping around a bit, but stay with me here. A week after my 5th birthday, on a mother’s day, my grandfather died (my mom’s dad). A bad back surgery and a lot of esophigial problems killed him. I still miss him to this day, but he’s influenced me more than anyone else I’ve ever known. Eventually I want to get a tattoo of one of his guitar picks over my heart. He was a welder, a carpenter, a musician, and an all-around completely loved man. He’s my hero to this day, and I’ll always cherish the short time I had with him.

Now onto the present and who I am today… I’m a senior in high school, and want to become a pastry chef with every fiber of my being. I’m bisexual and have been coming out to my friends since October of last year. My family doesn’t know about my sexuality as of yet. I’m an atheist and have had atheistic beliefs for around 3 years now. I’m sure that I’ll share my ‘realization of my sexuality’ story eventually. I love reading, and the classics are my favorites along with YA fiction scattered around within it. I enjoy listening to classic rock, and one of my best-loved bands is CCR. I’m not that good at art, but I try my best. Maybe I’ll even give you guys a look into my portfolio class drawings.

Thank you for listening to me ramble on about myself and my interest. I’d love to get to know all of you, and would love if you could comment on this post telling me your own story. To all of you, let this be but an excerpt of what is to come.

 

REREADING THIS TWO YEARS AFTER POSTING: Hannah I know you think it’s the cool thing to not believe in God and all, but girl you never stopped believing. Stop lying to yourself.

What’s Cooking? My Sexuality

I baked cinnamon rolls, and a lemon pound cake for my actual dad for father’s day today. They turned out well. Now to the actual blog post: my sexuality and how I’m having to deal with ignorance every single day of my closeted life. As I was baking the said pound cake, I was wondering how my dad will react when I come out to him, because I will come out to him. I hope he’ll take it well whenever I tell him. In a way, I think Julia may already kind of know. Considering that she has told me in the past that they’ll support me no matter what. I’ve explained my opinions of the LGBTQA community to them in the past, just because it was something to talk about (as in, something to criticize my mom and stepdad about). They seem to have the same basic opinions as I do. I don’t want to come out to them yet though because I’m not out of the house yet. I mean, if I could drive, I would tell them (just in case I’d need to leave, although it’s pretty unlikely).

As for my mom and stepdad’s opinions on the LGBTQA community, homophobia seems to run strong in their veins. While we were watching one of those baking championships on TV, one of the men revealed that he was gay. This was relevant because he was talking about how he was making a cheesecake in honor of his partner (that was the first thing he’d ever made him). Not only that, but he’s also from Oxford, MS. That means that he’s probably been through more prejudice and hypocrisy than I’ve ever imagined. Maybe I’m just underexaggerating, though. Immediately after he stated he was gay, my mom and stepdad acted as if he didn’t even deserve to be there. It’s as if any respect for him even as just a person disappeared. I guess you could say that bigotry is magic in that sense.

It’s not so much as my mom who I’m afraid of. I know that she wouldn’t yell at me, or I hope she wouldn’t. She’d possibly cry and claim she did a terrible job of raising me or something, and try to ship me off to some kind of conversion therapy camp. A big concern I have with all of my family is that they won’t believe bisexuality is actually a thing. It’s actually real, regardless of opinion. I hate when people say that bisexual people have a choice, too. I’m sorry, but I didn’t choose to be attracted to this person or that person. Whoever I fall in love with isn’t my choice. I didn’t choose to fall for Abby, but that certainly doesn’t make me a lesbian. I just don’t understand the way people think. It’s not my place to know, I guess.

My main worry is how my stepdad will react because I know that he will indefinitely kick me out of the house. It’s “his” house, and he’s already kicked out Sharon’s daughter in the past for being a lesbian. Why would I be any different? I won’t get too much into what I’m about to say, but I’ve been trying to convince my mom to let me create a Facebook so that I could sell the things I bake or furniture I redo. Needless to say, I heard them talking last night (because he doesn’t know how to keep his voice down), and he claimed that he didn’t “want that trash in his house”. Well, he certainly won’t want me here. I wonder how he’d feel if he knew I watched porn in his house?

On a semi-lighter note, he got all riled up about gluten-free stuff again. For some reason, he doesn’t think people in need of a gluten free diet exist. I just have no words. I assure you that this guy actually exists, trust me, I forcibly live with him everyday. If there’s one thing my dad and I bond over, it’s how much we both hate my stepdad. It’s a good thing I’m getting away from this madness for the weekend. Just one and a half more days, then I’ll be with people who accept me as I am (or at least I hope they will).

Hope, Jokes, and Dogs

Hope, jokes and dogs: that’s what sums up my day. I woke up around 2 because I didn’t go to sleep till 4. I was too busy watching coming out videos and crying my eyes out. Surprising, right? I don’t think I’ve ever related to a stranger more than I relate to Hannah Hart (Except for the drunk cooking thing). I want to think that my family will ex-communicate me if/when I come out, but I’m not quite sure anymore. Maybe I’m just aiming for the worst, hoping to prepare myself. I don’t think I’d ever be prepared for the best to happen either, though.

My need to actually do something is very strong. I haven’t done absolutely anything productive in the past 48 hours, unless you count this as productive. I feel like I’m about to burst from anticipation because of how much I want to start refurbishing the dresser sitting in the spare bedroom. We were supposed to go buy supplies for it the other day, but obviously it didn’t turn out to be that way. Now I’m just sitting around doing nothing, being bored out of my mind.

I watched a moderate amount of television today. It began with “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” which I’ve seen countless times. I can’t stress enough how much I love that movie. So many movies made me cry at a young age, and that was one of them. If a movie can make me cry, you know it’s good (In that case, I must have watched a lot of amazing movies in my time). I’m tempted to read the book although I’m already fairly certain it’s nothing like the Disney version. For one thing, there’s not any singing; and another thing, there probably aren’t any talking gargoyles either (I’m secretly hoping that’s in the book though).

Another movie we watched proceeding that was “Tracks”. It was a true story about a young woman trekking across the Australian desert to the ocean. Did I mention that one made me cry too? It was only because her dog died, but it was so sad. I don’t know what I’d do without Jewel. A great quote from the movie (or book) was foreshadowed in the beginning of today’s entry: “The universe gave us three things to make life bearable: hope, jokes, and dogs.”

Around the 1 hour mark on the movie, Jewel started barking at the door. Dylan was coming down to the pond to go fishing. Mama always fawns over him, saying how he’s such a good boy and what manners her has, not to mention how cute he is. It’s just so weird to me how Mama can say stuff like that, even about my friends. It’s just odd.

Not even ten minutes after he went fishing, someone knocked on the door. Apparently Dylan had caught a Cottonmouth by the pond. (Gees, how impressive. Just what I want in a guy. Seriously, just marry me now -_-). Stephen went out and shot it of course.

Also, I started reading “Great Expectations” last night. It’s quite weird how it starts out, but I’m sure I’ll get more into it as I go along (considering I’m only to Chapter 4 so far). Hopefully tomorrow will be more eventful than today.

Hugh Laurie & Reponsibilities

Today was thoughtfully eventful, as in I watched TV all day, then had an epiphany around 10 o clock. Is that eventful? I think it is. As for television, or Netflix that is, Mama and I watched Supernatural until she fell asleep (this usually happens) after the third episode (this time was different because she usually falls asleep after the first one we watch). I’m trying so desperately to get through Fullmetal Alchemist. I only have about 5 more episodes then I’ll be done. I’m having a hard time keeping up, though. I’ve never had a stronger urge to throw something at the TV than I had while watching that show today. I switched over to House around 5. I like to think that I watch for the crazy diagnostics, and I do, but Hugh Laurie is the real selling point for me. That man is absolutely GORGEOUS.

But I digress; my late epiphany came while I was waiting around to make my bed. All of a sudden, it just clicked: I need to take on more responsibility, otherwise how am I ever going to be a successful adult? I’m 17, I’ll technically be an adult in less than a year from now. I’ll hopefully be out on my own once I graduate, regardless of where I attend college.

I say that it came on all of a sudden, but honestly I don’t think it did. Mama was talking to me about being more organized and responsible the other night. I was so aggravated with her that she probably thought that nothing went through to me (I didn’t think I learned anything either). I guess it just took a little while to take in. Another thing that brought it on was the movie “Mr.Pip”. If you can’t remember the movie (I’m talking to myself, here), go back and watch it. It also has the FINE Hugh Laurie in it. It’s mostly discussing “Great Expectations”, which led me into thinking about what is expected of myself: What I expect of myself; what others expect of me.

Then I started thinking about taking better care of myself. I’ve been trying to engrave this into my own mind for quite a while now, I just had never taken the initiative to start doing it. I’m lazy and I procrastinate, but I need to get over those things. The first step to changing is admitting you have a problem, right?

Remaining Anonymous While Speaking of the Obvious

ALL OF THE NAMES IN THIS POST HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO MAINTAIN THE ANONYMITY OF SAID PERSONS.

Okay, so today was Megan’s surprise birthday party that her boyfriend, her mom, and I (her mom claims I helped although I did absolutely nothing) planned. We were actually really worried about nobody being able to come. Most of the people we invited ended up coming, though. As soon as I got to her house her boyfriend was blowing up a copious amount of red balloons. I was informed that Megan kept going on about how she wanted 99 red balloons at her party because of a song she liked. There obviously wasn’t 99 of them, but there was a lot.

Eventually people started showing up. Caitlyn and one of the Hannah’s showed up together. It’s not that I don’t like them, I just don’t really know either of them enough to form an opinion about them. One thing I do know is that they are permanently joined at the hip. Cordell and Nathan showed up together. They’re pretty cool guys; I feel unnecessarily intimidated by them though. They’re a couple of goofballs anyways. Later while we were all in the pool he kept going on about how some guy he knew laughs, and he kept flailing his arms everywhere and going crazy. Abby arrived after them. I don’t really know what to even think of Abby anymore. It’s like she gets offended at the smallest thing, and is just a pisspoor sport about everything. It’s almost as if she’s afraid of having fun. I love her and she’s my friend, but I don’t know how much longer I can take it. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m kind of glad she’s going away for college. Christian showed up at literally the last second possible and only stayed for maybe 20 minutes. Yet again, I don’t know what to think of him either. Prom night was cool and all, but it’s almost a blur at this point. I feel like it’s just awkward between us now, like we had that one night where we connected and any time after that is just dull. I don’t think that we ever would have gotten this way if prom hadn’t ever happened. Then again, I feel like we were always kind of distant in the first place. Megan walked in confused and almost walked out. She was really happy about everything though. Her other friend Hannah and Hannah’s boyfriend rode over there with her. I can’t say I’m much of a fan of them. They’re probably one of the most disturbing couples I’ve ever witnessed. I feel like this has turned into a gossip post now.

Back to the party… We all got into the pool whenever everyone came. I say “we”, but Caitlyn and Abby and Christian didn’t go in, and Hannah only swam for a little bit. Christian had to go to some kind of work party thing and couldn’t get wet. Abby and Caitlyn didn’t have any excuse other than the fact that they didn’t want to get in. Abby wore a flannel shirt for God’s sake. She knew it was a pool party, so why didn’t she–anyways…

The best thing was that Abby eventually got soaked from the slip and slide. We were constantly trying to push her down when Nathan finally made her lose her balance. IT WAS HILARIOUS. Somehow Nathan ended up ripping her shirt (that was too small already) under her arm. Once again, it was really funny. I guess I’m still pissed at Abby for being pissed. She’s always in a bad mood now,and I just don’t get it. I take part in conversations about her, and I mean the things I say, but now I’m questioning whether we’re even friends anymore. I don’t know the person she is now. All I know is that I used to be best friends with this amazing, beautiful, blow-you-away-with-the-words-she-speaks girl, and I don’t know where the hell she went. And you know what really pisses me off? I gave her two-fucking-page Senior card at chapel, and she didn’t give me more than a paragraph. The really ironic thing is that she’s going into journalism. JOURNALISM.

Okay rant over…

Megan ended up loving all of her presents, mine included. I bought her a couple of cactus plants and the newest Black Keys CD. She couldn’t remember telling me about them though. I worry about Megan’s forgetfulness sometimes. It makes me wonder how her mind will be when she gets older. It’s probably nothing, but it makes me scared that she’d forget about me one day.

Once things started winding down we made a fire and started playing Catchphrase. The only people left at that point were Hannah and her boyfriend, Kenneth, Megan, Nathan, and me. Tonight I discovered how competitive I actually am. Will, Hannah’s boyfriend, kept on answering for the wrong team because he’s honestly an idiot (and a racist). About two rounds in I was getting sick and tired of it though. Let’s just say I set everyone straight on who was on whose team. I may have also given them an earful about who Billy Bob Thorton is because really, who doesn’t know who Billy Bob Thorton is?

Overall it was a really nice day. I got to know Kenneth and Nathan more, and got over my timidness around them. I aim to be more confident in my actions, even if it’s just a tad bit more. Nathan’s not as bad of a guy as Abby says he is, but then again they basically hate each other. Kenneth, Megan, Nathan, and I finished off the night with a bit of glow in the dark balloons and glowstick swimming, and watched Joe Dirt until my mom showed up.

I’m glad I decided not to go to Atlanta for the weekend…

Hello world!

First of all let me just say that I’ve already created a blog somewhere a few days ago. I don’t remember what website I created it on, though. Honestly if that isn’t an accurate depiction of myself, I don’t know what is. I’ve created this blog for moments in my life I want to look back on. They may be sad, happy, or just downright stupid, but either way I’ll write them down. These posts will probably be more of a stream of consciousness type entries (see what I did there? I actually remember something I learned in English 11), and they’ll mostly just be for me. If anyone wants to read along with me about the tidbits of my life, you’re welcome to it.