The Gender Tag & My Own Experiences

1. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that definition mean to you?

I identify as female. This doesn’t confine me to the gender roles that are associated with women. To me being a woman is powerful and beautiful, and that also applies to any other gender. I’m very confident in what I identify as.
2. What pronouns honor you?

I use she/her pronouns
3. Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

I tend to wear whatever is comfortable. Since I’ve cut my hair short into a pixie cut, I haven’t quite felt comfortable in dresses, but that’s my own problem with stereotypes I’ve heard throughout my life. I’ve always worn plaid and whatever jeans I feel like wearing, and rarely dress up.
4. Talk about your choices with body hair. How do you style your hair? Do you have facial hair? What do you choose to shave, or choose not to shave?

I’ve been growing out my hair a bit recently because I have a school homecoming dance next month, but will be cutting it back to a pixie cut as soon as it’s over. I don’t have facial hair because my sex is the same as the gender I identify as. I shave my armpits, and will usually shave my legs around once a week. However, I’ve been really interested in dyeing my leg hair thanks to Amanda’s Chronicles on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIR9Ah1RyxE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBqcr-JVDpc
5. Talk about cosmetics. Do you choose to wear makeup? Do you paint your nails? What types of soaps and perfumes do you use if any?

I wear makeup if I feel like I want to. I don’t wear makeup for anyone but myself, although I used to wear makeup almost everyday a few years ago. When I decided to stop wearing makeup daily, I felt almost like I was letting myself go. Soon my viewpoints changed, though. The less I wore makeup, the more I felt like I was truly being myself to others. I didn’t have to put on a mask for other people. I can now look in the mirror and truly think, “I am beautiful”. On the days I do wear makeup, I don’t wear much. I take on the approach “less is more” to enhance my own natural face. I sometimes paint my nails, but other times I won’t because I play guitar and have a nervous habit of picking all the polish off. I bathe daily, if that’s what the last question was asking. I usually don’t wear perfume, even though I own some, because I forget to put it on.
6. Have you experienced being misgendered? If so, how often?

I think I’ve only been misgendered once, and that was by a man in the shopping mall around Chrtistmastime last year. I had just gotten my hair cut off. I was shopping for a scarf with my grandma. The sales clerk asked me, with my back turned to him, “Need any help, guys?”. He didn’t see my grandma at the time, I assume. Once I turned around he quickly corrected himself and said, “Ma’am.” It didn’t bother me quite that much. I mostly thought it was funny because he ended up being too apologetic about it.
7. Do you experience dysphoria? How does that affect you?

I’ve never experienced dysphoria that I know of.
8. Talk about children. Are you interested in having children? Would you want to carry a child if that were an option for you? Do you want to be the primary caretaker for any children you may have?

I’m interested in adopting children of my own, but I’ve never wanted to carry a child. I think my partner and myself would both be the caretaker of children equally.
9. Talk about money. Is it important to you to provide for a family financially if you choose to have one? Is it important to you that you earn more than any partner you may have? Do you prefer to pay for things like dates? Are you uncomfortable when others pay for you or offer to pay for you?

For me it’s important to provide for my family, but I wouldn’t feel pressured to make more than my spouse. As for paying for dates, I think the best option is to split the check. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable when others pay for me because I don’t want to be a money grubber or anything. I prefer to pay for my own things so as to not feel that way.
10. Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

Story Time!

Now I don’t know if this qualifies as an answer for one of the prior questions, but I’m going to proceed anyways. Around June of this year I decided to start doing costume makeup. In the recent months I have been interested in cosplaying and genderbent character roles. The first time I ever made myself look like a guy was this past summer. I applied my makeup and contoured my face to look like Sam Winchester from Supernatural. I was so shocked with the transformation that I didn’t want to remove the makeup. At the time I started questioning my gender, and if I was genderfluid. I soon realized that was not the case. I may seem ignorant in that sense, but I haven’t had extensive experience with gender. I’ve never really questioned that aspect of myself because I never felt the need to. I’m glad, though, that I have decided to start applying costume makeup on myself because of how much enjoyment I get from seeing the end product.

My point is: as long as you’re comfortable with who you are, and are open to yourself, you can begin to love yourself as who you truly are.

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An Unappreciated Death: The Passing of Someone Taken for Granted of

Before I even begin writing the whole of this post, I want to warn readers that this has extreme triggers about death. If you’d like to read a more light-hearted subject read my last blog post about my asking a ghost to prom here: https://somethingstoremember.wordpress.com/2015/09/19/im-taking-a-ghost-to-prom/

For as long as I can remember, my neighbor was always supportive of me. You could say that she was the neighborhood “Queen of the Grandmothers” because she expressed that sentiment toward everyone. I never knew her as anything other than “Big Mama”. She wasn’t heavy-set, and she certainly was never part of a Tyler Perry movie. She was one of the kindest, most beautiful-hearted women I’ve ever had the privelage to know. She supported my studies, and gave whatever she could for my schooling. Every year she would give my grandmother lunch money for me. She was the first person ever to want to buy a cake from me to “headstart” my culinary career.

Big Mama called all the time to tell us she was praying for us, or just to check on all of us. She could make you laugh with how long her voice messages ran. Most of the time they wouldn’t fit on the machine. The saddest part of that, though, is we never really picked up the phone when she called. We all simply ignored it because ‘she talks too much’ or ‘I’ll never be able to get off the phone with her’. Over the period of 17 years, I can count on both hands how many times I called her to talk to her, and how many times I came to visit her. Big Mama was one of the people who get swept under the rug; Like a duplicate Christmas present that you forgot to return within the 30 day period. With her, you always forgot to reciprocate the kindess and time spent.

I can’t say I don’t regret doing more for her because I ultimately do regret it. I wish I would have baked her favorite cake for her before she passed. I know I should have called her long before she was admitted into the hospital. I should have brought her the heartfelt warmth that she constantly radiated to others. I feel terrible that I never sent her a birthday card or even thought about her more. Even when I heard that she was in the hospital from breathing problems and (surprisingly) dementia, I made a mental note to visit her. Obviously, though, the plan never materialised. If I could have her back now without the realization of all this, I don’t know if I would do anything differently.

Somehow Big Mama slipped through the cracks of a busy lifestyle, and nobody in the world, especially her, deserves that. Love and appreciate those around you. Sometimes you don’t realize how much of an impact they have made on your life until it’s too late. Please don’t take them for granted.

R.I.P. Big Mama

-9/18/15

Victory Overshadowed with Fear and Excuses

“Yesterday, June 26, 2015, same-sex marriage became legal in all 50 states of the USA. I never thought that we as a society and a government could come so far so quickly. I’m extremely proud of our nation’s decision, and am absolutely ecstatic. From the websites supporting this victory to the many couples who were married yesterday, I am amazed. I would not have even imagined that gay marriage would become legal in my home state. As much as I wish I could have been in a pride parade of victory, or had a huge celebration with the rest of the LGBTQA community, I am sadly still residing in a largely homophobic region of the country, and am currently not “out” to my family as a whole.”

The above paragraph was my response to the legalization of gay marriage 3 months ago. I guess you could say I was delayed quite a long duration of time. Whilst writing the draft for the late blog post, my mom walked in on my typing. Fortunately, I closed my laptop in enough time for her to be oblivious to it. The fear I felt in that one moment was something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, and it has been holding me back from blogging for a while. However, I have too much to say that needs to be heard and appreciated, that I’m willing to take the eventual risk. It all has to come out one way; it’s just the method of communication I use.

My plan for as long as I can keep this up is to write as many blog posts as I can over the weekend about anything and everything. I’ll queue them all in my drafts folder and post them as the week goes along so people can read them day by day. Hopefully this will work out for the best.

I’m Taking a Ghost to Prom

Tonight was one of the shittiest nights of my week.

But it was awfully amazing.

Abby, as I have mentioned in past posts, invited me to go with her to a ghost bus tour (get it? like ghostbuster?) in our hometown. Our expectations were semi-high before the coach bus arrived. They were soon crushed with the realization that the bus was full of senior citizens and would soon be perused by underpaid actors in cheesy costumes. Keep in mind that these “actors” soon became the ghosts for the night’s attraction. We boarded the bus, and found that we were the youngest people on the bus except for a poor 7 year old girl who seemed ecstatic over seeing actual ghosts. As Abby pointed out, she even wore her orange jack-o-lantern shirt. I wore a Supernatural t-shirt because, well, I tend to dress in coordination with the theme of events without even realizing it from time to time. I can’t tell you much about the tour because I was too busy making terrible puns about the “ghosts'” names. The woman that led our trip looked identical to Phyllis on The Office, but sounded more along the lines of that one heavy set guy on Modern Family. Sorry, I’ve never seen the show, but I’ve seen plenty of the previews for it waiting for the Goldbergs to play on ABC.

The best part of the tour was this: I asked a ghost girl to prom.

Let me explain:

At the beginning of the tour we were riding past a lot of weird looking ladies holding signs up. Don’t worry, it was all part of the act; we don’t have protests where I live. We’re all too lazy over here to care about any issues except Donald Trump. At one point I pointed out a girl in the crowd who was extremely pretty. At that moment I didn’t realize that she would eventually be coming onto the bus. Around the last 20 minutes of the tour, Phyllis-lady introduced her as… well, I don’t quite remember her name. Her story was very memorable though: she was supposed to go to a ball, and ended up not going (I didn’t really care by the time this happened. I was just ready to leave the bus). She came in crying with her makeup smeared and her dress ripped, and started walking down the aisle. She asked someone near the front of the bus if her dress was nice, and she began walking our way. This was our moment, okay? She starts walking all the way to the back of the bus where Abby and I were sitting; I was in the seat closest to the aisle. That’s when she asks “Do you think I’d have had a good time at the ball?” I proceed to stutter out “Y-y-yes.” As she’s walking away, I mutter loud enough for her to hear, “I’d go with you.”

We were allowed to take pictures later with the cast, but Abby and her mom were ready to leave immediately. I can’t really blame them honestly.

However, I will always recall the day I almost had a ghost girlfriend and almost took her to prom.

A First for Everything

Yesterday (Friday) I made the 2 hour drive from my home to my dad and his fiance’s house. Being the second night here without a blog post was driving me crazy so I had to steal away the laptop and post a few things. Friday afternoon I all of a sudden decided to come out to my dad’s girlfriend, Julia. I think I blacked out once I croaked it out into the atmosphere. She took it incredibly well, and we talked it through for a few hours. I explained to her what I’ll eventually explain to you all. I feel infinitely blessed to have her in my life for these past couple of years. She has now become the first ‘family member’ I have come out to as bisexual.

The rest of the night was unusually uneventful. My dad loves to have all of the control of the remote, so we watched MMA fighting for a couple hours. I will openly admit that until last night I had never watched MMA fighting. Coming from my point of view, though, it seemed pretty gay (for a show targeting mainly straight men). Just think about it: two shirtless men fighting each other for a beautifully gawky belt. Not only that, but another guy rubs vaseline on them beforehand. Come on, they can’t all be straight, right?

We also watched “We’re the Millers” because I’d never seen it before. It was actually pretty funny, unlike the Rodney Carrington comedic stylings which we watched shortly after. I like watching and listening to many diverse comedians, but I don’t quite enjoy the country ones so much.

Skipping forward to Saturday, I fell asleep around 4am again, watching one of my favorite John Mulaney comedy skits. Yet again I didn’t wake up until after 12. Actually, none of us woke up until almost 1. Immediately after we all awoke, my dad changed the channel to HGTV. I swear he lives off of home improvement and history channels. Anyways we watched a 4 hour (or at least it felt that way) marathon of “Flea Market Flip”. Much to my surprise I liked it, and got really inspired. I’m planning on redoing a dresser that was gifted to me a few years ago. It’s quite old, but it’s in better shape than many 30+ year old dressers. I’m a Marvel comics fan, and since the franchise is so popular, I decided to decorate it as so. I’m going to decoupage comic book clippings onto the top of the dresser and on the front of three of the six drawers (catty-corner. Is that an actual word? I can never be sure.). I’m going to paint the rest of the dresser white including the other drawers. Instead of decoupaging the front of the other three drawers, I’m going to make a collage onto the sides of of the drawer (that is, when the drawers are opened). Being that my grandpa was a carpenter, I have a knack for it in my blood. I’ll keep you guys updated on the dresser and try to post pictures of it as I go through the process.

When HGTV became monotonous, I began drawing my first set of realistic hands into my sketchbook. I’ll post a picture of them if it’s requested. I’ll be posting my reading progress/process of “Great Expectations” tomorrow. I’m beginning to thoroughly enjoy reading it. I can’t wait to talk to you all again.

A Brief Backstory

First of all, let me give a HUGE thank you to the people who have liked or commented on my last post. You have no idea how good it makes me feel to have someone reading these. The amount of support that you all have shown me in only the past 24 hours has given me hope and brightened my week. In honor of the first five blog posts I’ve done, I’m going to be completely real and honest here. No censorship or lies on this blog. I’ll be telling you guys the whole truth, and hopefully you’ll stick along for the ride and learn some things about me.

In the theme of getting to know one another, I’m going to re-introduce myself. As in, give you my backstory, interests… just consider this an About Me page (is that a page I can already write in on wordpress? I’m trying to get the hang of this). I grew up (well, am growing up) in a strict conservative household that went to church every Sunday morning, and shamed anything out of social norms. Eventually my mom stopped going to church for reasons unknown to me, so I started going with my grandmother. These two women brought me up in my childhood home until I was 14. We weren’t poor, but we certainly weren’t well to do. We always had what was needed. I love my grandmother more than anyone on this earth. She’s like a mother to me, and even took that job while my own mother was working. My mom and dad split up right before my 5th birthday, and never were married. The real kicker is that my dad’s parents were (are) Holiness Pentecostal churchgoers, and just about shunned him once they found out I was being born. To be honest, my dad and I are like the black sheep of the family reunions because of it (and because neither of us go to church anywhere). My dad and I haven’t always had the best relationship throughout the years, but we’ve grown much closer over the past 3 years. I’ve been spending more time with him, and I don’t feel like a burden to him anymore.

During middle school my mom started dating my now stepdad. I can’t say I ever liked him after the first few visits. I wanted my mom to be happy, though, so I kept quiet. I can easily say the past 5 years have been hell for me. I won’t get too much into their relationship because it gets my blood boiling, but I’m sure I’ll have many stories about him that I’ll vent about in this blog.

I’m skipping around a bit, but stay with me here. A week after my 5th birthday, on a mother’s day, my grandfather died (my mom’s dad). A bad back surgery and a lot of esophigial problems killed him. I still miss him to this day, but he’s influenced me more than anyone else I’ve ever known. Eventually I want to get a tattoo of one of his guitar picks over my heart. He was a welder, a carpenter, a musician, and an all-around completely loved man. He’s my hero to this day, and I’ll always cherish the short time I had with him.

Now onto the present and who I am today… I’m a senior in high school, and want to become a pastry chef with every fiber of my being. I’m bisexual and have been coming out to my friends since October of last year. My family doesn’t know about my sexuality as of yet. I’m an atheist and have had atheistic beliefs for around 3 years now. I’m sure that I’ll share my ‘realization of my sexuality’ story eventually. I love reading, and the classics are my favorites along with YA fiction scattered around within it. I enjoy listening to classic rock, and one of my best-loved bands is CCR. I’m not that good at art, but I try my best. Maybe I’ll even give you guys a look into my portfolio class drawings.

Thank you for listening to me ramble on about myself and my interest. I’d love to get to know all of you, and would love if you could comment on this post telling me your own story. To all of you, let this be but an excerpt of what is to come.

 

REREADING THIS TWO YEARS AFTER POSTING: Hannah I know you think it’s the cool thing to not believe in God and all, but girl you never stopped believing. Stop lying to yourself.

What’s Cooking? My Sexuality

I baked cinnamon rolls, and a lemon pound cake for my actual dad for father’s day today. They turned out well. Now to the actual blog post: my sexuality and how I’m having to deal with ignorance every single day of my closeted life. As I was baking the said pound cake, I was wondering how my dad will react when I come out to him, because I will come out to him. I hope he’ll take it well whenever I tell him. In a way, I think Julia may already kind of know. Considering that she has told me in the past that they’ll support me no matter what. I’ve explained my opinions of the LGBTQA community to them in the past, just because it was something to talk about (as in, something to criticize my mom and stepdad about). They seem to have the same basic opinions as I do. I don’t want to come out to them yet though because I’m not out of the house yet. I mean, if I could drive, I would tell them (just in case I’d need to leave, although it’s pretty unlikely).

As for my mom and stepdad’s opinions on the LGBTQA community, homophobia seems to run strong in their veins. While we were watching one of those baking championships on TV, one of the men revealed that he was gay. This was relevant because he was talking about how he was making a cheesecake in honor of his partner (that was the first thing he’d ever made him). Not only that, but he’s also from Oxford, MS. That means that he’s probably been through more prejudice and hypocrisy than I’ve ever imagined. Maybe I’m just underexaggerating, though. Immediately after he stated he was gay, my mom and stepdad acted as if he didn’t even deserve to be there. It’s as if any respect for him even as just a person disappeared. I guess you could say that bigotry is magic in that sense.

It’s not so much as my mom who I’m afraid of. I know that she wouldn’t yell at me, or I hope she wouldn’t. She’d possibly cry and claim she did a terrible job of raising me or something, and try to ship me off to some kind of conversion therapy camp. A big concern I have with all of my family is that they won’t believe bisexuality is actually a thing. It’s actually real, regardless of opinion. I hate when people say that bisexual people have a choice, too. I’m sorry, but I didn’t choose to be attracted to this person or that person. Whoever I fall in love with isn’t my choice. I didn’t choose to fall for Abby, but that certainly doesn’t make me a lesbian. I just don’t understand the way people think. It’s not my place to know, I guess.

My main worry is how my stepdad will react because I know that he will indefinitely kick me out of the house. It’s “his” house, and he’s already kicked out Sharon’s daughter in the past for being a lesbian. Why would I be any different? I won’t get too much into what I’m about to say, but I’ve been trying to convince my mom to let me create a Facebook so that I could sell the things I bake or furniture I redo. Needless to say, I heard them talking last night (because he doesn’t know how to keep his voice down), and he claimed that he didn’t “want that trash in his house”. Well, he certainly won’t want me here. I wonder how he’d feel if he knew I watched porn in his house?

On a semi-lighter note, he got all riled up about gluten-free stuff again. For some reason, he doesn’t think people in need of a gluten free diet exist. I just have no words. I assure you that this guy actually exists, trust me, I forcibly live with him everyday. If there’s one thing my dad and I bond over, it’s how much we both hate my stepdad. It’s a good thing I’m getting away from this madness for the weekend. Just one and a half more days, then I’ll be with people who accept me as I am (or at least I hope they will).