Looking Back

It’s hard to believe that I haven’t even touched this blog in nearly two years. Now I work at Starbucks, have a girlfriend of nearly a year, and have discovered that I am, in fact, GAY. I’m not sure if I stopped posting after I moved in with my grandmother, but I’m out of the house that once tormented me and I haven’t stayed one more night there since then. It’s been a wild year, let alone two years.

I wish I could have told myself two years ago not to jump so quickly to conclusions about yourself because you’re still discovering who you are. I’m still finding out new things about myself every single day. I can’t say that my depression has let up too much, but I’ve learned how to cope with things more effectively. Not only that, but I have a rock to lean on: my girlfriend. I won’t go into too much detail because I’m probably the only one that will come back and read these posts, but Tricia is my heart and soulmate. I love her to death and I hope to God that nothing happens between us to make us drift apart.

I’m still struggling to come out to my mom and grandma. Unfortunately I don’t have much time left because I move in with Tricia in August. This was a conscious decision with no pressure from her part. I’m making this decision because I want this more than anything. It’s been difficult hiding things from my family for nearly a year now, but things are going to get better. I know that they’ll get worse before they improve, but it’s all about timing, right?

I don’t know if I’ll revisit this blog again because it doesn’t seem relevant at the moment, but if I do, I’m sure I’ll have grown up that much more.

 

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20+ Ways to Come Out of the Closet

1) Send a video to them explaining your sexual orientation. Better yet, send them a whole playlist of videos of other people coming out. Then put yours at the very end.
2) Or you could send them a montage of cat videos and at the very end quickly state your sexual orientation.
3) “I’m the gayest straight person I know. You know why? BECAUSE I’M NOT STRAIGHT.”
4) Give them a call or tell them through Skype
5) Send them a thoroughly thought out text message
6) Write a diary/blog/journal entry for every time they say something homo/transphobic. Explain to them what it really means to you, and how to change their view, if they wish to do so.
7) Make them a playlist of the most gay songs ever, then end it with “Everyone is Gay” by Great Big World
8) Send them the music video, “Coming Out” by Ally Hills
9) Ask them to join you in a pride parade
10) Alternatively, tell them to turn on the TV when the parade is on the news. Make sure you’re right in the news anchor’s way for this one
11) Blast “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga at your next family dinner
12) Introduce your same sex significant other to them
13) Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is “insert Sexual Orientation here” and come when they call you up
14) Admit to your extremely long list of same sex celebrity crushes
15) Take them to a gay bar
16) Or post a picture of yourself at a gay bar to a form of social media you both share
17) Give them Ellen Degenere’s autobiography for Christmas
18) Request that your next birthday party be rainbow colored everything
19) Put a gay pride flag bumper sticker on your car
20) Fly a gay pride flag outside of your home
21) Send them this list
Just as a quick reminder to myself and all of the other people of the LGBTQA+ community, I urge you to accept yourself before you come out to others. Start with the people you know will accept you, and create a support group for yourself. Always know that you have millions upon millions of people who support you and are looking out for you, myself included. We love you and accept you for who you are. Never change for anyone.
Love,
Hannah ❤

My Irrational Fear of Teeth

Ever since I’ve realized I’m bisexual, I’ve developed an irrational fear of wisdom teeth.

Wait, what?

I’m terrified of getting my wisdom teeth for fear that I will accidentally out myself while under anesthetic. I don’t know if that’s ever happened to anyone else, but it’s bound to happen to me. As some of you know, I live in a conservative Christian household and any form of homosexuality is looked down upon. (If you’d like to read an entire post of what that is like, click here) My only guardian that would take me to the dentist for the procedure is my mom. Again, she doesn’t know about my sexuality. Thankfully, I don’t have to have the removed immediately, but I will have to eventually. Hopefully by then I have a friend who can be my chauffeur for the day.

Overcoming (and Avoiding) Obstacles

For the past few months I’ve been on a slippery slope of depression. My mom has become extremely outspoken about her opposition to the LGBT community, and it is making me sick to the core. Every night I can’t help but wonder if she would still love me, and would want to continue communication with me. I can almost feel the negative response through my bones as I shake underneath my pile of blankets. During the first few weeks all I could do was cry, or feel like sobbing my eyes out. Now it’s just a dull feeling pain, and only stings when she herself provokes it.

I’ve already accepted myself for who I am, why can’t she? I know why she can’t: because she was raised to despise any other sexuality except heterosexual. She was brought up in such a strict household of going to church every single Sunday, that she thinks she is better than those who love the same-sex.

I can’t keep on recovering from her blows with Macklemore songs and coming out videos. I don’t have the privilege of being able to call the Trevor hotline because I don’t have the privacy to do so. My friends can only help me so much when they themselves don’t fully understand what I’m going through.

I’m in my current residence with my mom and stepdad for the next 9 months. Before anyone gets scared about suicidal tendencies in me, I have hope for the future. I do not want to kill myself. All I know is, I need help to get through this. I just don’t know how to get it. Anything that any of you may have to give me advice about, it’s more appreciated than you’ll ever know.

Thank you,

Hannah

Indirectly & Involunarily Coming Out to Someone Close to You

A few months ago something happened that was not under my own control: I came out as bisexual to my dad.

My dad has always been supportive (to my knowledge) of the LGBT+ community. (Also sorry about not including the rest of the acronym, but I swear it just keeps getting longer every time I see it mentioned in a post) His philosophy was “if it doesn’t hurt anyone or involve me directly in any way, I don’t care about it”. Keep in mind that I live in the South, and things can get pretty homophobic down here. So when I heard his opinions on it, I wasn’t all that worried about telling him.

I worked up the nerve over the process of about a year of visits to speak my opinions about the LGBT community. From time to time I would bring it up, according to news reports and the like.By doing this I actually grew closer to my dad and Julia, his fiancee.

When victory at the Supreme Court came around, I had already come out to Julia. It was on that day exactly that she told my father that I’m “gay”. In her own retelling of the event, she and my dad were sitting in the living room watching the news report on it. My dad remarked “I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, they’re just getting married. *Insert comment reflecting his own views about marriage thanks to his failed ones*” This is when my stepmom replies, “Well, it wouldn’t hurt for you to be more supportive.” My dad proceeds to go have a smoke break, then comes back in and asks her “Is Hannah gay?” And she replies, “Yes”.

I can’t express to you how much that bothers me because of how untrue it is. I’m bisexual. If I was gay, I would have come out to the 15+ people in my life as that. However, I am not.

She told me all of what happened around 2 weeks after it occurred because that was the next time I was to come over. She was so excited, and didn’t want me to freak out about it. But I was anything except ecstatic. I wasn’t ready to come out to my dad, and I gave her specific instructions not to tell him because I wanted to tell him myself. She even went outside with me to see how it all would play out. Looking back, I know I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but I should have told her that I just wanted it to be him and me. She already had the stolen honor of telling him the first time, why should she be there again?

When I finally go outside and meet my dad, all the while choking on my tongue and having an anxiety attack inside, I give him the longest hug I probably ever have given to him, and I correct her crucial mistake. I tell him that I am, in fact, bisexual and like girls and boys. “That’s fine,” he says. He goes on to say how he always sort of knew. I don’t recall what else he said because I blacked out like I’ve done in the past in coming out to people close to me.

I think the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard my dad comment about my sexuality was uttered that day: “Besides, aren’t those Converse high tops lesbian shoes?”

Skipping forward to last Friday, mid-Bible class:

My Bible teacher gave us the simple assignment of thanking someone who has raised us. I sent messages to my mom, grandma, Julia, my other grandparents, and my dad. My message to my dad and Julia is as follows:

“Thank y’all so much for loving me and accepting all of me. It means the world to me that y’all support me, and it keeps me going when things are tough. Everything is fine, but I just wanted to let y’all know that. I love y’all so much. Have an awesome day 🙂 <3”

My dad’s response left me in a puddle of tears in my school’s bathroom:

“Thank you, baby. That made my day. I’m so proud of you and always will be, and nothing will ever change that. I LOVE YOU.”

With the lack of confidence I have in my mom accepting my coming out, It’s incredible to hear that my dad does. My advice to people coming out is this: create a support group of people who love you regardless, then work your way up to the challenging ones. I can’t tell you anything about facing the hard ones, though, because I still have my own lions to tame.

I still can’t say I’m completely convinced that my dad believes in my bisexuality as much as he does my false homosexuality. All I’m saying is, if I come home with a guy for him to meet, it’ll be his own fault if he’s shocked half to death.

Through Society’s Mask

**This post contains triggers about eating disorders, self esteem, self harm, and more pertaining to these subjects.

***(I wrote this paper nearly a year ago for my English class, and recently dug it back up. I’ve decided to post it here because I believe many people can benefit from this. In this essay I don’t discuss how society can affect men’s opinions of themselves and the harm it can do to them because the paper was to be specifically about the effects on women. I would like to do a paper about this, however, and I certainly will if someone requests this. Feel free to express your own opinions on the subject in the comments. However, if I say something that offends you, I can assure you that is not my intention. Simply address it in the comments and we can discuss it. Thanks!)

Anorexia, Bulimia, self-harm; what do these things have in common? They are all caused by the influence of society. Everywhere you look, there are images of photoshopped women pressuring girls to be like them. Our society deems that women should rely on other people’s opinions to feel a certain way about themselves. Why some people say that this is healthy motivation for girls, I will never know. All I do know is that we need real women on billboards inspiring girls to be themselves.

From magazines to internet advertisements, unrealistic expectations of women’s bodies have spread like wildfire. Everyone is affected by the cruel, superficial outlook society projects onto this situation. All of the false advertising can seep into young women’s minds, and it can make them feel unworthy. What people do not see is how much photo enhancement goes into these pictures. The internet’s “magic diet pills” do not help young women’s cases either. Needless to say, their side effects may include: low self-esteem, suicidal tendencies, and eating disorders.

Society tells each and every female that they should live up to their friends’, families’, and even strangers’ opinions and standards. It is such a popular campaign that people actually begin believing it. These are the false gods of our world. What we should be doing is promoting self-respect and self-love. If you cannot love yourself, then how do you expect others to treat you respectfully? Society’s principles and commandments can invade the homes of influenced females. As if they do not receive enough pressure at school or work, they also have to listen to it at home. One small comment on a woman’s weight or appearance can change her own opinions of her body for the entire span of her life. Be wary of what you say.

Some people believe all of the false promotions can motivate women to improve the current states of their bodies. All of the “motivation” can cause eating disorders. Starving yourself is not going to do anything healthy to your body. No matter how low the number on the scale gets, there will always be a lingering desire to lose another pound. On the February 2014 cover of Seventeen magazine, a material for adolescent girls, an actress’s struggle with an eating disorder was shamelessly overshadowed by an article for how to get an “insane body” (BR Admin). This is how advertisements blur the focus of young women.

Some may think all the advertising can shed a light of reality on young women’s minds. I have news for them: women are not the picturesque Barbie dolls they portray on magazine covers. In fact, “the body type portrayed in advertising as the ideal is possessed naturally by only 5% of American females” (“Eating Disorders Statistics”). Reality is certainly not a Hardee’s commercial or the cover of Vogue. Beauty is a combination of personalities, genetics, character, and grace. You cannot change who you are, but you can change your opinions on yourself.

Others may say society’s lies can become an “outward expression” for females. I do not believe self-harm can be regarded as so. This “self-expression” element of the act makes the victim feel as if it is okay to cut, burn, or inflict pain on themselves in general. The orange ribbon for self-harm awareness is there for a reason: too many people ignore or dismiss the issue. Those who have harmed themselves in the past may think even lower of themselves than before, merely because of having done so. Megan, a former self-harm victim, shared with abc.net about her experience: “Having such low self-esteem, seeing damage done to yourself really kind of justifies your negative existence.” In my opinion, these are the women—real, strong, beautiful women—who should be given the attention in our society.

My point is: women should feel comfortable in their own skin. Whether they are short or tall, overweight or underweight, they should love themselves. Regardless of what others think of them, self-respect is more beautiful than any diet pill or weight loss program. No one has the right to tell them who they should and should not be. Join with me in demanding real beauty in a fake society.

Works Cited

BR Admin. “Photoshopping: Altering Images and Our Minds.” Beauty Redefined, 2014. Beauty

Redefined. Beauty Redefined. 6 December 2014

<http://www.beautyredefined.net/photoshopping-altering-images-and-our-minds/>.

“Eating Disorders Statistics.” ANAD, 2014. ANAD. ANAD. 6 December 2014

<http://www.anad.org/get-information/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/>

Rice, Deborah. “New statistics reveal dramatic increase in self-harm hospitalisations for young

Australian women.” ABC, 2014. ABC. ABC. 6 December 2014   <http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-08-23/alarming-spike-in-self-harm-in-australian-women/4902384>

The American Dream: A Split Second Lifestyle

Today my family ate at the dinner table per my mom’s request.

Shocker! Right? No? Okay.

Let me explain:

As a kid, I was raised by my grandma and my single mother. Every night we would eat dinner with my grandma’s current husband also. It was a very small house, but the amount of land my family owned on the property partially made up for it. Until my mother got married to my current stepdad, I shared a bedroom with my mom. A 10 x 10 room with a teenager isn’t a good situation to be in on either side of the problem. We weren’t the typical American family, but really who is?

Whenever we moved into my stepdad’s house I got my own room. This was one of the only perks provided to me in dealing with living with him for the past 3 years. Since we moved into the house my mom has this visual of the American dream. Let me tell you from my own experience, it doesn’t last very long. My mom hasn’t had a job in around 7 years, so her first resort was to be a homemaker. In no way am I criticizing that, though. She does more daily than I could ever do. Her second step into this American dream ideal was to generally become the perfect housewife. That’s when I realized she went a bit mental.

Skipping forward to Sunday, my step-grandmother’s birthday:

My mom suggested we sit at the table like we usually do for big holidays or birthday parties. I understand why she wanted to do this, and I was completely fine with it. That is, until I realized I’d have to socialize with a couple of members of my step-family. My step-grandma is a very religious woman. She’s a holiness pentecostal woman, and if that doesn’t tell you enough about her then I don’t know what will. (If you’ve never heard of the denomination of the Christian faith, let me explain: she believes that women shouldn’t cut thier hair, wear pants, or wear makeup. She believes in speaking in foreign tongues and the holy ghost. Lastly, and most irritating of all in my opinion, she thinks that wives should submit to their husbands.)

She soon began to drone on and on about how a woman experienced a medical miracle, and how the son of a bitch (in my own words) doctor became a holy vessel of God and began praising His name.

All the while this was going on, my stepdad was existing. I can’t tell you how much I despise him, honestly. On a side note, just to explain how douchey he is, he just sat there while my mom struggled in picking up a humongous weed-eater. Keep in mind that my mom has shoulder problems and could have inflamed it worse.

Maybe this isn’t the American dream she thought she was getting into after all.